Comments on: Enabling Self-Indulgent Adult Children Is Not Good Parenting

By: Sylvia

Sylvia — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 01:01:40 +0000

My son is 27 years old. I raised him as a single parent and unfortunately, I spoiled him for many reasons but mainly because I really love him (which is a stupid thing to do). He did not finish school or the extremely expensive sound engineering schooling in London which my mom financed twice for him.
So he never really achieved anything, never worked full-time (he does not believe in it), and has no idea what it is like to be independent. He relies on the family’s money (mine and my 77 year old mom) with a sense of entitlement.
Unfortunately, beyond being very spoiled and an underachiever, he has also been suffering from Crohn’s disease for the past 14 years. He has not worked for the past year or so. Sadly, his health has also recently deteriorated (although right now, he is stable). Unfortunately, he is physically disabled but his mental handicap (poor me, “you owe me” attitude) as always existed and it is even more debilitating than his physical handicap.
Don’t misunderstand me. I have always felt very sorry for him and I always tried to “make things very easy” for him (and always took care of everything) but I have unwillingly encouraged him to foster this poor me attitude, mental handicap, and underachievement, and enforce a sense of entitlement).
He is not always that sick that he can’t function but never believed in functioning. Of course, when he is sick, there is no question about supporting him and providing the best possible treatments for him.
So now that he has been stable, he is back with these revolutionary ideas again. He always comes up with ingenious business ideas, dreams, and ventures that seem realistically so distant from reality and which require sometimes a pretty large financial investment understated “hoping for a family injection”.
He has never had the motivation just to take care of himself. How can we inject large sums of money into something that seems so unrealistic? I feel that if he wants to be an entrepreneur, he needs to build a viable business by sharpening his business and entrepreneurial skills.
I have had numerous arguments with him about this and he tells me that I am unsupportive and negative, that I don’t appreciate him. I totally adore him and do appreciate him very much – maybe too much. However, I am worried about him. He has only me (and my mom) to rely on. We will not be there forever. We may be comfortable but even if he inherits my apartment, how long with the money last? (He does not spend money wisely but neither do I or I would have savings/investments on the side. I am not proud of it but at least, I am able to rely on myself and support him).

He does not think about the future. In one conversation, he stated that he did not see anything wrong with having women support their partner “out of love”. These are his plans. (As an independent woman, I find this utterly revolting).
So, he relies on the hope that mom will invest and justifies it because she has invested my divorced sister’s failed businesses and that they have helped her raise her kids. My parents also helped me financially raise my son (because I was alone) until about 15 years ago, when I became fully independent (but support most of my 27 years old son’s expenses – so I don’t have much left). So to my son, it is justified that the family supports him too and invests in his ventures.
The difference is that my parents HELPED us. My son expects us to literally carry him on our back. So not only do we (mom and I) fully support him but demand that he works towards building financial independence despite his disease (which we know he cannot do when he is flaring), he has been trying to get mom to invest in all kinds of unrealistic ventures. I mean, I am all for it, if he was investing HIMSELF and WORKING towards it passionately. Unfortunately, his plans seem to always rely on someone else’s investment but his own (referring to the family’s money). I am afraid that this is an invitation for failure. He does not know what effort and perseverance mean and has very low tolerance for frustration. Mom has told him many times to prove himself but he does not believe in that, he thinks that we should first invest without commitment on his part (nothing we have every invested in the past has ever shown any result and believe me, we have invested loads!).
Anybody having sound advice? I am trapped between my love, lack of boundaries I have set to him, feeling sorry for him, and the desire to see my son able to manage after I am gone (I am not planning to go but I have already undergone cancer once and the thought that my son lives in lah lah land despite his 27 years of age worry me very much).
I know that there is no quick fix and I should have practiced tough love. I was never able to do that.

By: Mrs. McCoy

Mrs. McCoy — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 22:30:47 +0000

As an addendum – he comes home drunk 2-3 times a week and we have horrible verbal arguments. He calls me names, I call him names – the last time this happened I called the cops on him and they took him to jail, but only because I knew there was a bench warrant out for his arrest for not showing up for a court date. He was in for a couple of months and they wouldn’t let him out unless he had a place to go . . . so guess what? Stupid me let him come back and now it’s the same thing all over. I guess I have to grow a backbone and just evict him. These were supposed to be my golden years and I’ve been miserable for 5 years, not to mention supporting two people. I guess I know what I have to do – wonder if anybody else is in this situation. thank you.

By: Mrs. McCoy

Mrs. McCoy — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 22:26:50 +0000

I’ve looked at most of these and don’t see my problem. My problem is my 42 year old son who has been in and out of trouble since he was 17 – mostly to do with drinking. He lost his license when he was 20 years old and never paid the $1,000 fine to get it back. Since then he has been caught driving without license, no insurance, various minor traffic problems, but the fines keep adding up and now 20 years later he owes $2900. I am now retired and had a budget for myself and 5 years ago he showed up at my door again not having anyplace to go. I let him in, much to the chagrin of my other two sons – who have their own homes and work – and now he won’t leave. This one has never held a real job with a paycheck for more than a couple of months – he earns enough doing handyman jobs to buy his beer and cigarettes. he cuts my grass once a week. He says I have to evict him to get him to leave – that he is a resident in my home and gets his mail here. Turns out he’s right, according to the courts here. I have to file eviction – even though he contributes nothing and pays no rent! I can’t lock him out because this is his legal residence. Can you believe it??? If I lock him out and he comes through a window, the police won’t do anything because this is his residence! I can’t even claim this freeloader on income tax even though I’ve been supporting him for five years. Does anybody else have this kind of problem? Would sure make me feel better. I now have to pay to file eviction and have to give him a reasonable time (couple of weeks) to find somethig else. He has no regular income and nowhere to go, but I no longer care. He can go to a shelter or move south where if he has to be homeless, at least he’ll be warm.

By: Elaine

Elaine — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 18:06:02 +0000

My 24 yr old stepdaughter and her 5 yr old son are currently living with us. My stepdaughter was a great student and kid till about her 10th grade yr of high school. At that point she decided she was tired of being good and meeting others expectations, she she quit. She began hanging out with people who were like minded, smoking pot, having sex and blowing hundreds of dollars a month at Starbucks. We took her to counseling and offered to get her on birth control but she refused. Two weeks after she was offered a full ride theater scholarship to a jr. college, she found out she was pregnant. We told her if she kept the baby it was hers to raise, as we had a child in daycare. She was told she could live at our house and go to school, but had to work enough to pay for childcare and the added expense of a baby. She didn’t want to live by our rules so she moved out. Since then, every year or so we have to bail her out of major financial problems because buying expensive cell phones, cameras, computers and partying are her priorities, rather than being responsible. About 2 years ago she moved to a larger town. She was told that we could not bail her out anymore because we didn’t have the money, but if she needed a roof over her head, we were there. Well, a year into it she called and said she “lost her job” (there’s always a story that doesn’t seem just right) and needed to move home. She decided she wanted to go back to school and needed help with the baby (now 5). So, we made room for them in our small home. She gave us this line of BS that she’d help with expenses etc. Well, she has done nothing but cause my husband and me so much stress and frustration since she moved in. She is in school and she works part time, however, she doesn’t pay her childcare and gets notices all the time about it. She qualifies for state assistance on child care but is too lazy to do the paperwork to get the assistance. The same with insurance on teh baby. She gets insurance through us – however she won’t do what’s required to give her own son insurance. Her cell phone and skyping in the computer are much more important than spending time with her own son. I am so ready for her to be out of my house. She lies to her father and tells him what he wants to hear – but never changes. He can’t seem to find it in himself to give her tough love…………..and that will eventually cause a lot of problems between us because I am so tired of her. She is only concerned with herself – and that’s it. We wish she’d leave and give us the baby – but she’s even too selfish for that. I think my hubby is afraid if we dish out tough love – she will run with the grandbaby and we won’t see him again. I dunno – it’s a really hard place to be in!

By: Martha Myer

Martha Myer — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 15:34:56 +0000

We are in a situation where our daughter has cut us off from her (AND the kids). It’s very, very hurtful. We have done everything humanly possible to help her all her life, and yes we were too indulgent of her. She is so selfish right now and we don’t really know what (if anything) to do.

By: SH

SH — Mon, 09 May 2011 12:43:39 +0000

DB – Wow, I could be your wife. My husband would say the exact same thing about me. Clearly that I’m here on this thread tells you that I’m finally starting to hear what he is saying.

Our son, mine from a previous relationship, is almost 23 and just moved out for the fourth time. The first time he left was when he had a fit over rules and walked out at 17. That there should have been my first clue that this was not going to be fun.

Anyway, it’s been what I call “revolving door” parenting for the last 5 years and I’m finally as fed up as Hubby was 4 1/2 years ago. Though divorce hasn’t quite come up there have been some very heated discussions about how I keep giving into my son out of a sense of obligation and, as others have mentioned, guilt. I understand where your wife is coming from.

What I’m beginning to understand though, is that my “duty” ended when HE decided that he was better off out in the world than under my roof. I’m realizing that I have been refusing to let him suffer the natural consequences of that choice. For 5 years I have been padding the ground so he doesn’t doesn’t feel reality hitting his ass.

I can see now that I wasn’t doing either of us, but mostly him, any favours. At 23, it’s about time him and the “real” world get to know each other.

Thank you, David, for this article and to everyone who has commented, it’s been very insightful and somewhat of a comfort to know I’m not the only one who is dealing with this issue.

By: CPA

CPA — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 00:12:36 +0000

DB – Divorce is not the answer. That would be running away from your responsibility to your wife as a reaction to your son running away from his responsibilities. Your son needs a better example right now. Have you tried praying and seeking wisdom from the Bible about your situation? What about consulting a lawyer about other options?

By: DB

DB — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 17:13:19 +0000

Our son is 27 and living with us. His wife lives with her parents. He does the bare minimum to get by. He has major plans but bigger excuses. I have tried desperately to get my wife to stop enabling but it isn’t working. When he was 21, he nearly caused us to divorce when he was pawning things from our house for his pot and beer money. He joined the Navy which helped him grow, until he married a young girl who was lazier than him. Somehow I’m labled the bad father for not encouraging him enough. I’ve tried to change this situation and it appears that divorce is the only way out. He is now working 12 hours a week for beer, cigarette and fast food money. Three years ago, my wife and I lost our jobs and most of our retirement. We are doing quite well for now and desperately need to rebuild our retirement. There’s nothing I can do to get my wife to change… she says it’s her duty to take care of her son.

I’m not really adding much here except an example of how bad it can get.

By: Mark

Mark — Tue, 22 Feb 2011 19:12:37 +0000

Go to Austin TX. It seems like almost all the guys there are dependent on mommy and daddy. No one there can stand on their own feet.

The try to pass this off as ” I love my parents” ..well no kidding…who wouldnt when you get everything paid for.

They just hold mediocre jobs (enough to suport their drug habits and going out on weekend habits)

Austin TX is the MECCA for adult children….very annoying population.

By: MB

MB — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 12:42:56 +0000

I met my husband 3 and 1/2 years ago and have now been married for 1 and 1/2 years.
I have 2 girls (ages 15 and 23).
I am the custodial parent of my youngest daughter, who sees her father 2x a year for a week at a time.
My oldest will be graduating in the spring with a degree in Special Education.
My husband has 2 boys (ages 18 and 21).
He had joint custody of his sons, who lived with their mother approximately and hour from us. Neither of them have completed high school.
The oldest has had dozens of odd jobs but doesn’t stick with one for very long and he has lots of extracurricular activites. My husband continues to pay for his cell phone, car insurance, car repairs, and some medical expenses (some of his activities have caused injury) etc. and justifies it all by guilt, plus the fact his son tells him what he wants to hear. He has been saying he is going to get his GED, he is going to do this or he is doing that. What I found is this boy just plan lies!
The youngest son never finished high school because he is sick all the time with stress or at least that is what is said. He stays up all night playing video games, on facebook/myspace and his diet is pop and chips. He doesn’t drive because he has no license and has therefore never held a job.
It is now to the point where we only see them when they want something.
I have voiced my opinions and frankly can not see myself remaining in a relationship where, I feel, he is enabling his boys behavior by giving, giving, giving.