Personal Finance Advice

Are there any studies, census, or data of any sort to tell us what is actually going on? Aside from “it seems…” I’d be interested to know to what extent adult children get and/or expect their parents to help them financially.

Velvet — According to the Pew Research Center, 40% of adult children are receiving some support from their parents. The statistic is sited in the linked article.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Financially-Supporting-Adult-Children-Without-Hurting-Yourself&id=1716080

The article you refer to doesn’t cite or link back to the actual study. I did a quick search of other Pew studies that touch on the topic and find that they consider an adult child age 18+. I’d be interested to know how many boomers have college-aged kids. Another thing, purely anecdotal like the example in your post, I know a few people who are receiving money from their parents and/or grandparents as a form of “living inheritence.” They parents/grandparents are choosing to give the money while they are living instead of giving it once they die. I’m guessing to avoid taxes and such. So I’d be curious to know how many people are doing that.

All that being said, I agree with you that parents aren’t doing their grown children any favors by enabling their entitlement. I often wonder what would happen to these grown people once the parents die and/or have no money left to give. What would they do if their parents were in a state where they needed to the kids to step up and help with their care? On the other side of that, in my personal observation, I’ve seen a lot of parents that “need to be needed” so they swoop in and rescue their kid, whether or not they actually need saving. It just creates this giant clusternut where neither side will listen to reason. So you just have to watch from the sidelines, and possibly be prepared to financially rescue the both of them. Ain’t that a kick in the head?

Unbelievable. Yet the practice is so widespread. It is possible for parents to love their children without supporting them through money once they are adults. At a certain age, you just got to cut them off!

[...] Self Indulgent Children via [SavingsAdvice] [...]

My dear roomie’s adult kids sucked her DRY of all her savings and left her drowning in debt.

And she’s still paying for their cell phones.

And the little I saw of how they spent money showed a lack of financial maturity that made me angry.

I don’t understand some grown up “kids.”

I think it’s something that starts early, when some children learn to feel entitled. (As a matter of fact, you might be in danger of that yourself, David, with your oldest… according to a previous article or two.) Kids learn early that parents will either give them everything they want, whether or not they’ve “earned” whatever that is, or they learn that, if they want something, they have to work, get the money and pay for it themselves. It’s when people are young that they learn the basic “there’s no such thing as a free lunch.”

This is not to say that parents shouldn’t ever help their grown kids out, but it should be in terms of a loan (to be repaid with interest) and/or have a time limit. I needed help one time and that’s exactly how things were set up… and, if the mail was slow and the check not received the day it was due, I most definitely received a call! LOL But I never expected my parents to just give me money.

The really pathetic part is that this all too frequently happens with older people who really don’t have the means to support grown kids.

What a sad situation you describe. The well-meaning parents are enabling their daughter to be a deadbeat. Once the parents are gone, the daughter will no doubt go through the rest of their assets, assuming there is anything left. Then what?

I have a friend with a 35 year-old son who lives with her. He pays no rent and has a low-paying job. My friend wants him to be “independent” so she plans to buy him a small condo with the equity from her home. She just doesn’t get it. No wonder the son can’t keep a girlfriend!

It’s extremely common in my circle. I mostly went to school with babied children of immigrants. They weren’t extremely well off but were handed Ivy LEague college educations. They so much wanted a better life for their kids. Most of them squandered it. I run into them and they still live at home. Most of them were serious about school but they got art and literature degrees. They live with mommy and daddy while they get real degrees in their late 20s. They work at Wal MArt.

On the flip side of the coin, we have a lot of upper-middle-class clients. They have done well and handed their kids Ivy LEague college degrees. The same thing happened. I am literally preparing tax returns for kids older than me who work at Target and still live at home (I am 32). I hardly saw any of them pull down a wage more than $20k. It’s RAMPANT!

In this culture my parents would be labeled barbarians because they expected me to be rather self-sufficient at 18. They didn’t kick me out at 18. They were extremely supportive. But it was clear I was expected to be completely on my own mid-way through college. Once college was done? That was it. They prepared me for this though and I have no issues. I KNOW I am better for it.

I am still astounded at the people I run into today who still live with mom and dad. I ran into a college friend at a seminar recently (she had to be at least 30) and she was stunned to learn we had moved out of the area and kept pushing why we didn’t move back. I was like, “Uh, it’s INSANELY EXPENSIVE here???” I was confused by her confusion. She kind of just said, “Oh. I live with my parents.” Like she had no idea she lived in the most expensive region in the nation because she has no rent to pay. ??????? She just could not grasp why we possibly left the area, and were happy too. Thing is, this is most of my conversations with people from high school. “You are still going to school and working on a degree? Living with mom and dad? I have been out of school a decade, licensed for 8 years in my field, married for 9 years and I have 2 children. I haven’t lived with my parents in about 15 years!”
My own personal experience couldn’t be more night and day. I wonder what the heck these parents are doing to their children.

My parents are simply extremely practical. It’s really the only difference I See. They knew paying for the most expensive college they could find would not make me successful. I think a lot of their generation is learning this the hard way though. You don’t know how often people ask my parents how they got my sister and I to move out. Seriously. We both left the nest around 18. A HUGE factor? We weren’t given a free ride and we were raised to be extremely independent. We simply wanted out. OF course if I could have free rent and no rules for all of my 20s I would have stayed home! Who wouldn’t???

When I moved to Tennessee for school…I borrowed a large amount of money from my father to pay for the first year, with the understanding that I was responsible for the rest of it. I ended up not staying in college there, and used the money I had borrowed to live on for a year or so until I got on my feet. It took me a few years, but even with his objection, I got him paid back. I could have taken advantage of his gift and just kept it all but I didn’t use it for it’s intended purpose so I felt obligated to pay him back.

I know a woman who is almost 40 and living with her parents. The woman does not realize it but her siblings spend most of their time trying to figure out ways to get their parents to throw the woman out of the house without risking having the woman show up on their doorsteps. They have tried to help her to get a job — even tried to set her up on dates with successful businessmen — but she prefers to stay in her parents’ condo with her cats. I don’t think she realizes that her parents cannot live forever.

I know another woman in her 70’s who lived with her mother until her mother passed away. She always worked but it was still a bad relationship. When her mother passed away (at 88!), the woman lost her mind for a bit, became very angry, and then married the first guy who spoke to her even though he was a bit of a loser (but to his credit, he has stood by her for the past 20 years even though the woman has gained over 200 pounds).

It is just not healthy for adults to live with other adult family members — other than their spouses.

I live with my parents, but I pay them some rent, am licensed in my field, and have a well paying job. My parents benefit from me being here financially as well as in practical ways (such as I can help out with work around the house or give them a ride (in a car that I paid for) when their car needs to go into the shop.) I also have lived completely on my own for years before moving in back in with them.

I don’t think that living with parents in one’s twenties is a bad thing – that’s a completely separate issue from learning to be self sufficient. I know many friends who are “making it on their own” but who owe $ks for school, $ks for their car loan, and at least $10k or more on credit cards (common in large cities.) I also know people who shared living expenses with parents until they could afford to live debt free (or with only a mortgage) after moving out. This is a very responsible thing to do, and ultimately enables one to financially care for parents (if it’s needed) as the parents grow older and need help.

I completely understand all of the objections to deadbeat children who can’t earn a living and have no desire to. That, however, does not directly correspond to whether or not someone lives in the same household as their parents, especially when you are talking about people in my generation.

Don’t forget that for much of history, parents and children and grandchildren living together was NORMAL. The difference was that the children were usually that ones doing the supporting, or at least it was a healthy relationship where everyone contributed to the household.

This is actually something that was discussed in great depth in the book, “The Millionaire Next Door”. The grown-ups are receiving what’s called Economic Outpatient Care. The parents are enabling them to become dependent and studies have shown that grown-ups who receive this kind of support end up being on the lower end of the scale of wealth creation. Additionally this type of behavior is extremely detrimental to them when something does happen to the parent such as them not being able to support their grown child anymore or death.

My DH is Japanese, and in Japan, it is common for 3 generations to live in one house. It makes more sense economically…only one mortgage has to be paid, instead of 3. Although DH never lived with his grandparents, and he left his parent’s home at college, he wants our daughter and our future grandkids to live with us. He thinks it will give them a good financial head start. I think it’s great…my parents couldn’t wait to kick me out when I went to college!

I do not have any respect for capable adult children who essentially bleed their parents dry – but the parents who allow them to do so play their own part in all of this. As adults, these children are certainly capable of comprehending the harm they are doing to their parents and the blame is clearly theirs for asking and taking assistance they do not or should not need.

However, it seems like few people want to speak frankly about the parents’ role in these situations. Aside from those criminal cases where the children actually steal from the parents (pawnable items, identity theft, etc), it is also the parents’ fault for indulging their children. The parents keep saying yes, they keep falling for the sob stories and the manipulation – they keep on giving when they should start practicing a tougher kind of love. They are doing NO favors for their children or for themselves by keeping the Bank of Mom & Dad open.

The adult children have had plenty of interaction in the real world to see how other, functional adults behave and deserve the lion’s share of the blame – but don’t let the parents who could have said no off the hook either.

This is a very personal topic for me after seeing both my grandparents never prosecute a son who has repeatedly stolen my grandfathers identity to run up bills and my parents who continue to “help” one of my sisters who won’t learn financial responsibility. It is frustrating to watch and saddens me because I’ve seen how their relationships have suffered.

I know an older couple who are trying to disentangle themselves from a dependent adult child (over 40!!). The older couple has spent over $50,000 supoorting their daughter after she made a series of costly mistakes (primarily due to getting involved with an irresponsible man). The daughter (and her dysfunctional pets) are now living with the couple and making their life miserable. They won’t force her to leave because she seems to have emotional problems, but at least they are no longer paying her bills anymore (other than her housing costs).

Can you offer any advice to this couple. What do you do with an emotionally unstable person who cannot support herself?

Persephone -

Does the daughter work? If she does, then I would suggest that her parents suggest she look into any EPA programs that might be available to get some help with the costs of counseling. Even if her emotional instability is not something clinical like depression or manic/depressive disorder, counseling could be the ticket she needs to get her feet under her. It’s never too late to get help.

Maybe the parents can try to find local support groups that can help them with suggestions and support with their situation. Even if the daughter/parents cannot afford for the daughter to go to counseling, perhaps the daughter can also find some kind of support group for her specific issues.

One of the first things I would do in their situation is to either be very honest with myself or get outside help to determine if the daughter is really incapable of helping herself. Literally incapable.

From there, it can be helpful to formulate a plan with a timeline. Something fair, but with a definite end date so that everyone is on the same page.

If the daughter is truly incapable of taking care of herself then they might just have to resign themselves to taking care of her and doing their best to leave a trust for her care after they are gone. Or, she may just have to go on public assistance.

Jackie — Thank you so much for your sound advice. I’m going to forward your comment to the couple having the difficulties with their daughter.

Also, can you tell me what the EPA is?

Persephone -

Ooops, sorry I had a typo.

EPA should have been EAP – Employee Assistance Program. Most of these programs have a lot of different services that they offer in conjunction with or in addition to their standard health insurance. My company’s program has a number that we can call to find a mental health professional or to find a lawyer. If you’re calling for legal advice, many programs even have an option where initial legal consultation is free or discounted. If her work has an EAP program, for mental health it may work in conjunction with their insurance to provide a certain number of subsidized visits for therapy/counseling.

It’s definitely worth looking in to.

Jackie — Thanks again for the tip. I’ve passed your suggestion along to the daughter’s parents. I hope this works for them!

my kids are all over 18 and wont work and dont wont to follow the house rules. im so stresses out . they so sorry mom andbreak the rules over and over. NEED ADVICE ASAP

Renee — If the children are living in your home, you still make the rules no matter how old they may be. If they are not willing to follow the rules, you need to be strong enough to make them leave. Stop giving them money. Stop feeding them. Make them see what it takes to survive on their own.

If you have trouble doing this, I suggest you seek out a therapist who can help you through this process. If you are employed, your employer may have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP, as Jackie has already noted) which you should call for help.

Good luck! (And I hope my other readers will also offer their advice as well.)

Renee — Even if it does not immediately solve your problem, you should seek professional counseling to help you to deal with it. Based on your rather brief note, you seem overwhelmed, a good therapist can help you to feel better about yourself and the steps that you are taking to resolve your problems with your kids.

Good luck!

Renee, it’s time for some tough love in addition to the counseling!

First, you have to set up rules and consequences and timelines AND STICK TO THEM.

I don’t know exactly what you’re doing, but you have to be making things pretty easy or they’d want to leave. You’ve got to be giving them money, so that’s the first thing you have to stop doing… just be sure that you have someplace to lock away your wallet! If they want money for anything, it’s about time that they worked for it.

You’ve got to tell them that the free lunch is over with. They’re grownups and it’s time for them to get on with their lives. You love them, but that loving includes believing that it’s time for them to grow up. You can’t afford to keep paying their way — fiscally or emotionally!

Set up some more basic “rules for living”. They do their own laundry, they help to make dinners, they do their own cleaning, etc. Plus, they have to help with general area cleaning, wash their own dishes, help with yardwork, wash your car, and don’t give them any money for anything.

Finally, sit them all down and tell them that in four or six months they all have to have jobs and be out of your house. If they haven’t moved out by then, have the locks changed when they’re out of the house and don’t give any of them keys. Tell them that you’re going to do this and that, if they’re stupid enough to try to break into your house (after it’s done), you WILL call the cops and press charges.

Write everything down and make sure there are consequences to everything they don’t do! (It’s their tough luck if they don’t have any clean underwear, NOT your responsibility.) If they don’t help to fix the dinner and clean up afterwards, they don’t get anything to eat. If they don’t help to clean the livingroom and keep it clean, they can’t watch your tv or use your computer. Post the written rules and consequences prominently and stick to what you say!

Have a feeling that you and yours really need some family counseling, so I’d check with local groups — civic, religious, anyone and everyone. You’re probably going to need some help developing a backbone.

Good luck!

What is in a young adult’s head that makes them feel this sense of entitlement. My two kids were raised in the same household…..one is self sufficient and driven – the other has a sense of entitlement. Lack of goals or sense of mission to me is the issue. If your child is lost in life – it is very hard not to try to be supportive – even when it hurts. No one helps their kids beyond reasonableness to hurt them – they believe they are helping. The adult children lie, misuse funds – but the parents holds onto hope that “this time” they will make it – like you did when they were learning to walk.
They don’t have to be on the couch to be draining you dry. In some ways – you have to be ready for them to do something negative or drastic if you cut them off. Cutting them off could lead to suicide, cutting you off of communication, separating from the family. That is hard to deal with as a parent.
I’m not making excuses – but people make this sound simple — “just make a plan and cut them off”. For parents who are doing this – it is about guilt (I’m one)………and loss. I lost a brother to alcohol. I don’t want to lose a son. I know it is intertwined —
But – when does the kid “get” that they are loved and have support and need to utilize it well????
Nothing easy about this from a parent perspective.

I am a parent of two adult children. I help my oldest with child care because he is a single dad of two childrenn now ages 6 and 4. They were three and 18 months when their mother decided she wanted a divorce.

He resents that he needs my help. (he can afford to hire someone but the children already have a nanny) and he knows that i adore the children and they adore me. He does not say that he resents me but actions speak louder than words. he withholds gratitude, affection, dinner when i babysit, no christmas present for me (even though he earns seven figures)

I finacially contribute to the support my 34 year old son. He also does not seem to like me too much. i am angry alot about the way they treat me but i do not do anything about it. I just keep doing the same thing over and over. I keep giving money, time, whatever I have waiting and wanting them to love me.

I have two adult step-sons whose mom died when they were very young. I came into their lives when they were 5 and 8, now they are 19 and 23. We have definitely had our share of struggles with them.

The 23 year old got through college in 3.5 years with very good grades. When he graduated however, he didn’t want to get a job and started drinking. he came home drunk one night and my dh said “the next time you do that you can find another place to live. Several months later we were called by his friends to pick him up at a party because he drank a quart of vodka. We told him we loved him and were very concerned about him. We gave him two options. Either get help or move out. He chose not to get help and after a couple agonizing months moved out.

During those months he was very angry and would barely speak to us. After he moved out, he didn’t call for several weeks. Slowly he came around, and is now working oversees with a volunteer organization. We are sure that if we did not “kick him out” he wouldn’t be as confident and successful as he is now.

We’ve always encouraged our kids to have as much independence as possible at each stage of their lives. I see so many of my friends enabling their children at younger ages and then I watch them become overly dependent adults. It’s sad to see our generation stifling the next by not requiring them to be fully independent, responsible adults. Imagine the gifts, talents, and contributions that are being wasted by our enabling behavior.

My 22 year-old daughter is a Junior in college and is fortunate to have an educational trust fund to pay for her tuition, books, and a car. She has always had a lot expected of her ( good grades, 7 years of violin lessons, working while going to school, sports, staying out of trouble) but in return received many things such as a nice car, clothes, expensive beauty products, designer handbags and shoes, etc. This arrangement worked fine until she became involved with drugs and alcohol. She has been in rehab once, but has relapsed a few times. Her latest boyfriend seemed like a nice guy at first but the longer I knew him, the less I liked him. He has also been to rehab. He became increasingly inconsiderate, verbally disrespectful to me and tried numerous times to get money out of me through my daughter. The more I tried to help the less respect I got, until I found out my daughter was lying to me and had pawned my late mother’s earrings for money. I got them back, but that was the last straw. I told her to leave, and after a blistering attack from her stating that, “You have no daughter” and ” You have ruined my life”, she left and is living with his parents. She recently got a summer job and a small loan and I will not contribute another cent to her support. I feel outraged and sad when I read other stories of well-meaning parents being taken advantage of, and disrepected. I have my home back,and my peace of mind. I know now that I was being manipulated. There are so many deserving children in the world that need help and would use this level of devotion to make a life for themselves.

I also have 2 adult children, one who is self suffiecient and the other who has been a complete pain/drain. If she is homeless I would allow her to stay in my home temporarily but refuse to give her any cash or pay her bills. She will steal anything that is not on lockdown and I told her that I can no longer have her in my home, because I cannot trust her. Now I have found out that she is in jail. I do not know why she was arrested but probably from stealing from someone else besides me. I’ve repeatedly told her to grow up and get a job, or if she would get an education I would help her some, but she refuses to keep a job for any length of time. As much as I love her I feel no remorse for not helping her. She was certainly raised better than that and the audacity that she thinks that its my obligation to support her and I don’t need near what I earn completely outrages me. I work hard and in this economy, despite earning a good salary I do struggle a bit.

Longing for an adult child to act like an adult and live my life without her ‘drama’.

We sent our child to college and law school. The financial cost was astronomical.

We were rewarded with having to send our child to a 30 day alcohol rehab center 2 times after he graduated and we discovered he was an alcoholic. That didn’t solve the problem, so we sent him to a half-way house in another state and then to a sober living village.

His girlfriend recently threw him out and he came back home to get a job. He is working and living at home, but using one of our vehicles. Now, we have discovered that he is drinking again.

We have told him to start looking for an apartment close to his job and that we can’t help him anymore and will take our car back as soon as he is moved. The problem is that there are no apartments, etc. for him to move into.

I keep looking, but there just isn’t anything.

Eventually, he will probably lose this job, which may have been his last opportunity to turn his life around.

We could have saved a million dollars if he hadn’t wasted it on this ungrateful, deceitful human being.

We love our son and pray for his recovery, but we just can’t take it any more.

We really don’t think he will ever grow up, or that he even wants to….

This problem seems epidemic…

I finally wised up after financially supporting my 27 year old daughter. She has never held a job for more than a few months and I have always bailed her out, also her 26 year old sister to a lesser degree. When they were young, I went through a divorce and I guess I always felt the need to make it up to them. They stole from me as children and teenagers which should have been a lesson to me but it wasn’t. I was a good Mom but always had to work; however, they always had child care or spent two weeks out of every month with their Father, who also did a good job. Even more stupid was that I sent my older daughter money when she ran off and got married as she was still in college (that her Dad and I paid for) and her new husband wanted her to get a part time job. I knew if she did this, she wouldn’t graduate college (according to her). I feel used and abused. Now that I’m in my early 50’s, my husband and I want to retire in a few years and I finally realized this drain on our finances has got to stop. Looking back, I have sent my daughter upwards of $50,000 dollars through the years, not including college. I’m done with this now. God give me strength.