Dear Mr. CEO of a fiction company that bears no resemblance whatsoever to the author’s current real-life employer:
We, your loyal employees, understand money is tight. We know you’re doing everything you can to keep the company running. But morale is down. Your employees think all you care about is meeting a sales number. Do you remember how you used to give us perks? We had free microwave popcorn, free cookies, free soda pop and even the occasional free lunch. One by one you took these from us. We didn’t complain. We sympathized. But that doesn’t mean we don’t miss the goodies. We need you to show us you care, even just a little bit. We have come up with a few low cost ways you could cheer us up.
We have noticed that coffee is still provided for free. Could you provide a little something for those of us who don’t drink coffee? How about some hot chocolate maybe? Or perhaps margaritas (only during lunch, of course).
According to the dress code, we can only wear jeans on Friday. How about jeans everyday? Casual Friday could then be designated pajama day, with restrictions. Because honestly, no one wants to see the accountants in teddies.
Speaking of pajamas, how about letting us work from home? The company could reduce needed square footage and move to a smaller office. Scratch video conferencing, though. Some people are just scary without makeup.
Would you consider sponsoring a company softball team? You might even reduce health care costs if everyone got into shape. We could practice right in our cubicle so we didn’t miss any work. Think how handy it would be to wear a ball glove at work! No longer would we have to get out of our seat to fetch office supplies. We could simply pitch staplers and pens to each other.
It’s been years since we’ve had bonuses or even raises. We were thinking that if you installed a slot machine in the breakroom, we could use our spare change to make our own bonuses. The machine could pay out a small random bonus once a week. This is a potential money-making opportunity for company as well as a morale booster.
Well rested employees are more productive. We could set up little beds under our desks like George did in Seinfeld. Of course we should set a limit of maybe half an hour for naps. Why, this might cause some workers to be awake more often on the job than they currently are!
If we had a television on all day, we could watch soap operas or talk shows and realize that some people have much, much bigger issues than just a mediocre work environment.
Mr. CEO, we know the pressure you have been under lately. But please try to understand our frustration. We just want to be recognized for our hard work and dedication. If we are happy, we are productive. And our productivity impacts you bottom line.
Your loyal employees