I would :
1. Apologize to your mother-in-law,understanding that family is more important than stuff, and you were wrong in minimizing their family traditions.

2. Explain the importance of owning a home and putting down a good down payment.

3. Say that you would love to be a part of their traditions and would gladly accept their invitation.

4. buy inexpensive gifts

5. be a little thoughtful, and creative by making a family box. In the box have a scroll for each person, and in each scroll share intimately to each one how much they are a blessing to you. Even if you have to search to find something nice to say, try. This should put tears in everyone’s eyes and validate the true meaning of christmas.
6. Give it some time. Do the right thing, forgive your mother-in-law and yourself for missing the point on saving and whats more important on the holidays. Continue to be a good stewart of your money, but don’t forget that family is more important than owning a home.

My dad was one of 5 kids, and when I was growing up, Christmas meant seeing all of us in one room. This translates to my mom & dad, me, grandparents, 4 aunts, 4 uncles, and (depending on the year) 9-14 cousins. That’s between 22 and 27 people. It was MAYHEM. My parents were poor, but some of the others did very well, and bought multiple large gifts for each person. Some people spent in excess of $4000 just for this section of the family. GAH!!

As I became an adult, I started to worry about the ton of money that got dumped into that every year, and I got creative just like mom had to. I certainly couldn’t afford to get everyone electronics, etc.!

What I do is make or buy Christmas ornaments. they are less expensive, get used every year, and with all the varieties out there, there is a unique ornament available for everyone. One year, I made handmade chocolates, and I did that for more than 50 total family members… and it cost me $375 total, including molds, supplies, wrappers, boxes, wrapping paper, etc. They were a hit, and I sold the used chocolate molds on eBay! I’ve made recipe/cookbooks (OfficeMax printing is very affordable), vine wreaths that I cut and twisted myself, family photos that I’ve photoshopped with neat effects and printed at pro photo places on canvas ($8-30 each), or even made little paintings for everyone. Goofy poems, caricatures, dried herbs and sachets, homemade herbal teabags, music compilations, decorated pressed paper boxes, hand-lettered premade ornaments, magazine subscriptions (often at a 2-for-1 price), or unique editions of favorite books from book sales are all things I’ve done over the years.

The main thing is to tailor it to the person you’re giving to, and you tell them when they get it “That’s a picture from when we went to so-and-so” or “I made it your favorite flavor/color/movie”.

I’ve never had my gifts rejected or thrown away, because everyone loved them. They knew I was broke, but tried like nuts anyhow because I love my family, and they got something uniquely me. Many a year now, I’ve gone to someone’s house and seen an item on display that I made them for Christmas, and it makes me happy. I also save my Christmas cards, and in following years, I cut off the front of the cards, and use those as huge, pretty gift tags. Hole punch + ribbon makes an impact like you’d spent more.

Not to sound judgemental, but the way you phrased your statements was a bit harsh. You referred to giving gifts as “wasting that much money”, and indicated that you were saving for a house 2 years from now or more. You very likely hurt his family’s feelings, and they are probably interpreting this as you disliking them. You did come out sounding VERY cheap, not frugal. The more important thing is that they want to see you & your husband. Go see them!

You also probably made it sound like you weren’t coming for a while. If you cut out Christmas 2-3 years in advance, then are you skipping next year, too?

Next year, suggest a secret santa option, with a max of $100 per person, or have 2008 be a “Make it Yourself To Give” Christmas at your place. Or, everyone spend half of the normal amount, but pool the whole thing and have a Christmas retreat at the beach for the whole family. No one will want to travel with big stuff, so small items only on the day of Xmas! There’s ways to be frugal together!

Go this year. Get good deals and spend the money. Above all, call whomever you’ve spoken to about this and APOLOGIZE, and state that you think they’ve misunderstood, and that they are important to you, and you are coming. Do what you can to clear the air.

To quote some of your post:
“they became very worried as to why we couldn’t make it”. This translates to ‘they love you and would like to see you’

“I do not value their family traditions at all and I’m nothing but a cheap and petty daughter-in-law” This translates to they’re angry that you’re skipping a family tradition of COMING to Christmas because of money. The “petty” is the gifts part. If you were coming sans gifts and asked others not to buy for you either, the “petty” would still be there, but not the injury to tradition. (sounds like you’ve made it out every other year, and this not coming thing is new to them.)

“badmouthing me as a negative influence”. No one ever though of frugality as a negative thing. Somehow, you are coming across as cheap. Think long and hard why that might be, and perhaps seek advice from a friend, the forums, or even his family as to EXACTLY what you’ve done to make them feel this way. Root it out and try to undo the damage.

To buy those gifts, use coupons and save however you can. Make $20 look like $75 and wrap those in the prettiest, highest quality paper you can find, with real fabric ribbons and quality tags. Attach an ornament (cute & inexpensive) to the tag. Look like you are balling out! Leave no corner of your frugal cunning unplumbed! Outdo yourself! Finely tailor each gift to the recipient. Go early and help cook. Bring a new, special dessert that looks like a million bucks. Buy a nice cognac or brandy or special reserve rum to take along and add it to the nog or apple cider. Make them know you care. It’s in the details.

Then, if the money really means that much to you, return the gifts that you get or sell them on eBay. You’ll recoup some of your funds.

But definitely remember that your marriage is more important than a few hundred bucks, and if you upset his family, you might not have a husband to share a house with in a few years. Take a long, careful look. Be honest with yourself.

Good luck, and Merry Christmas!

My question here is….Is $650 REALLY going to make or break a home purchase in two years? Not if you prepare for it and it sounds like this is kinda “cheap”. Telling your family that I can’t join in the gift giving in December 2007 because we might be buying a house in 2009 is “cheap”. I don’t know all the facts, but that is my first instinct.

What will this person do next year? And the following year? NOT do the gift giving until they have a home? And if you can’t do this now withOUT a house, how will you be able to resume this when you do have a house? As if things get cheaper when you buy a home.

I would suck it up, start saving in August [for next year] so it doesn’t hit you all at once and ENJOY giving the gifts.

It does seem like a lot of money, but what is “a lot of money”? Maybe this family went from $100 to $50 to help this person be able to afford this?

I think for cheap and frugal, I see it through this scope in terms on being a consumer. A “cheap” person goes to Wal-Mart to buy a $10 pair of crappy jeans that last a year and fall apart. A frugal person waits, saves and decides against other spending in order to get that $100 pair of jeans for $40, that lasts a few years and becomes their favorite pair.

So then they might mail the presents anyway, and then the gift-giving is all one-sided.

Messy! Good luck with this.

(There is also a third category, which I think of as “thievery,” where you do things like take extra ketchup packets to bring home. If you had arrived with no presents, but gladly accepted presents from them, that would be closer to this category.)

A lot of people, especially folks living paycheck-to-paycheck, see EVERYTHING as important, and so they see almost any lack of spending as cheap. Your in-laws may be like this.

They may see you as not letting your husband have all the special things he deserves and that he has been used to getting. They are forgetting about the part where he is getting other things in return, in this case a house.

For this particular issue, you have a lot of work to do. Mainly you need to let them know that they do matter to you. (Even if they don’t–they matter to your husband, and your husband matters to you, therefore you’re stuck with these guys and need to make the best of it.) What they have just heard from you is that a house–a possession–is more important to you than family. It’s not what you meant, but it’s what they heard. That’s because expensive presents, which are obviously a waste of money (to you) could also be a way of showing how much you care (to them).

That’s not going to be easy to undo. You might want to apologize for giving them the impression that you don’t care about them (or your husband). The other folks’ comments about showing up with thoughtful but inexpensive presents could help. You could thank them for changing your mind about coming and tell them you are looking forward to getting to be with them, etc.

It sounds like they are also worried that you do not value their family traditions at all, so try to find a way to show that you do value at least some of them. Ask for recipes for example, and ask about how decorations were done, etc.

It’s good to talk about your motivations for frugal decisions, like having lower-stress lives, but at this point, it’s probably better to focus conversation on others; I’m afraid they’re seeing you as self-centered.

(Sadly this sounds like one of those stereotypical character-building parts of your life (she says with a grimace). Figure out how to compromise with these guys: it will build character.)

Also, your husband should explain that he is deliberately foregoing special things that he has enjoyed all his life in order to have other special things. If he can make it clear that he is happier now, but still appreciates his family and how he has been before, that could help.

One final point – Try not to think about them as ruining all your dreams with their petty antics. They are just postponing them a tiny bit. Don’t let this ruin your holiday.

Skimping out on someone else will seem cheap no matter what. But, like Rocco and others have mentioned, not skimping out on someone doesn’t mean spending $50 on them, but rather showing them that you care in some alternative fashion.

The posts on this blog are never entitled “How to get out of giving your family presents” but rather “Alternatives to exchanging presents at work.” The key difference is the desire to do something nice for someone else in a creative, but still meaningful way, which is something that this person seems to have forgotten.